BITCHOLOGY - for those who wana hear whats true

BITCHOLOGY

When I stand up for
myself and my beliefs,
they call me a
bitch.

When I stand up for
those I love,
they call me a
bitch.

When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts
or do things my own way, they call me a
bitch.

Being a bitch
means I won't
compromise what's
in my heart.
It means I live my life MY way.
It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.

When I refuse to
tolerate injustice and
speak against it, I am
defined as a
bitch.

The same thing happens when I take time for
myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.

It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be.
I am outspoken,
opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!
So try to stomp on me,
try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me.
You won't succeed.

And if that makes me a bitch ,
so be it.
I embrace the title and
am proud to bear it.

B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself

B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman

B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle anything

संता-बंता के हंसी के हंगामे !!!

संता: भाभी का क्या नाम है?

बंता: गूगल!
संता: क्यों?
बंता: सवाल एक करो, जवाब 10 मिलते हैं!

संता: यार मैं दुविधा में फंस गया हूँ!
बंता: वो कैसे?
संता: बीवी मेकअप करे तो खर्चा बर्दाश्त नहीं होता और न करे तो बीवी बर्दाश्त नहीं होती!

संता (एयर होस्टेस से): आपकी शक्ल मेरी बीवी से मिलती है!
एयर होस्टेस ने ज़ोरदार थप्पड़ संता के मुँह पर मारा!
संता: कमाल है, आदत भी वही है!

संता: यार आज तक मेरा इतना अपमान नहीं हुआ! मेरी नई पड़ोसन ने मुझे नहाते हुए देख लिया!
बंता: तो तू क्या चाहता है?
संता: बदला! 

संता रोड की गलत साइड पर ड्राइविंग कर रहा था और बहुत दुखी हो कर बोला: हो गई गड़बड़, आज फिर लेट हो गया सारे लोग वापिस आ रहे हैं!
 
संता ने बंता को थपड मार दिया!
बंता: मैंने क्या गलत किया?
संता: साले हम इतने वेले भी नहीं कि तेरी गलती करने का इंतज़ार करें!
 
संता: जानते हो ताज महल बनवाने से पहले वहां क्या था?
बंता: मुझे नहीं पता!
संता: बिल्कुल खाली जगह थी!
  
बंता: तुम लड़की देख आये?
संता: हाँ रंग से काली है और कान से कम सुनती है!
बंता: ज़रा इंग्लिश में कहो?
संता: ब्लैक्बेरी!  
   
संता: शतक होने में 99 रन बाकी थे और मैं आउट हो गया!
बंता: अरे यार! सों क्लोज़!
 
संता पुलिस स्टेशन आया और बोला: मुझे अर्रेस्ट कर लो, मैंने अपनी पत्नी के सर पर डंडा मारा है!
पुलिस: क्या वो मर गई?
संता: नहीं वो तो बच गई, अब मेरी खैर नहीं!  

Ad for Recruitment of Girl Friend ;)

Ad for Recruitment of Girl Friend

Dear Friends,

Due to recession, I left my Girlfriend (as part of my cost cutting efforts). I need new one now, so pass on this information to your female friends...

Applications are invited for the following post. The package and incentives are mentioned below:
Designation: Junior girl friend (trainee)
Experience: Must have ditched at least 2 guys (Fresher with excellent credentials will be considered)
Other requirement: Should have the Potential to do street bargaining and fight if required.

Age: 18-23 (if the individual is too good looking but not in the age group can also apply, special consideration will be undertaken for them)
Height, weight, complexions no bar, but is subjective.

Perks and incentives:

Total gross (Monthly) :
• 2 gifts worth not exceeding Rs. 1000 /-(any precious metals, stones)
• Bike rides each duration 1 hour
• Trips to National Highways
• 5 Trips to Hanuman Mandir / SiddhivinayakTemple
• Kulfis / Chocó bars at a regular gap of 3 days
• Daily Provision of Samosa/Bread Pakoda/Bhel worth Rs. 10 /-
• 2 movies per month (Except on weekends)
• Visits to Shopping Malls and BARISTA every weekend (At your own expense)

A Pair of Jeans or T-shirts according to demand will be gifted, subject to finance availability and to the size available with the shopkeeper.
Net Deductions (Monthly): Affair Fund and Un-professional taxes will be informed on joining.
The probation period is 6 months, after which confirmation (with Promotion to fulltime Girlfriend)
Please NOTE:
1. Only females.
2. Girls who left in the last 2 months need not apply.
3. Ex-girlfriends will be eligible only if they agree to the above mentioned conditions.
There is more:
For girls who are not eligible, can take advantage of the referral program by referring their friends, colleagues etc.
Candle light/Tube light dinner will be given on every referral, even if candidate is not selected.
Search never ends!!
Interested candidates can send their resume with

Subject: Name/fresher-exp/age.
Photo must be attached in the email

Note: Applications without photo will be rejected.

Marketing concepts

A Professor at one of the IIMs was  explaining marketing concepts to the Students:
		You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. "Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing"
		You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. "Marry him." -That's Advertising"
		You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. "Marry me - That's Telemarketing"
		You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car)for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say: "By the way, I'm rich. Will you "Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations"
		You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: "You are very rich! "Can you marry me?" - That's Brand Recognition"
		You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - "That's Customer Feedback"
		You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. - "That's demand and supply gap"
		You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him - "That's competition eating into your market share"
		You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. - "That's restriction for entering new markets"

Manager Ka Punchnama

MANAGER KA PUNCHNAMA

Problem,problem ye hai ki wo manager hai aur ,mein resource,

Problem ye hai ki mein chahta tu ki meri life mein koi problem hi na ho,

Lekin agar meri life mein koi problem na ho to ye uski life sabse badi problem hai.

Bull shit he is worried yaar, use to celebrate karna chahiye, because it happens exactly what he wants

Kasam se yaar is 6 mahine mein I had it all sab dekh liya maine,

Abe kaun sa job kaisa project kahe ka increament,

Job ka matlab hi hota hai End of ur own happiness.

Iske baad all u worried about deployment, late night work,increament,client calls

Shaam ka dalta suraj jo phale hum bhi kabhi dekhte the,

In managers ko na koi khus nahi rakh sakta , A happy manager is a myth.

Sab saala na bahar lage bade bade hoardings ka dosh hai,

4 years eng. Badi si degree and then job kahani khatam,

Uske baad ki kahani koi nahi batata, Iske baad ki kahani mein batata hu,

Iske baad banda do ghante late aaya to problem,

Late night ruka to problem.

Saala demands nd expectation kahatam nahi hoti inki,

ek to jo high priorty task hota hai na wo nahi batayenge,

2 week dimaag chatenge document banao document banao,

aur fir jab document bana ke do to 2 sadi si line ka mail lekhenge ,

we'll discuss in call,

aur fir agle do hafte dimaag khayenge Document doucment.

Saala kaam kar raha hu beech mein mail aa jata hai "Look into this also",

Mail ka reply deta hu sir abhi busy hu baad mein dekh lunga,

then again mail do the same first, 1 baar isko dekh lo,

1 baar dekh bhi lunga to tujhe kya mil jayega mere baap, theek se to kar paunga nahi.

Sabse jyada dimaag ki dahi to in bina resource wale project ne ki hai,gale ka patta hai saala,

Naye, purane, Band hone wale saare projects, resource wo hi 2,

are kaam jayada aa jane se ghante thodi na bad jate hai 1 din mein,

Fir iska jawab in managers ko bhi do, i think u r not intrested in project,

Why I choose u in this project, are mujhe kya pata ki why u choose me?,

abe jab samajh mein aa hi raha to phir release kyun nahi kar dete.

Saala pata nahi kaam kya karte hai ye manager Do mail reply mat kar,

urgent extn par call aayega,

Ab pata chala ye software engineer ki aise halat kyun hoti hai,

Aur ye adminstrative job wale bande itne happy kyun hote hai ,

because they don't have a manager to screw that happiness.

Saala kaam kar raha hu koi Pool to khel nahi raha phir bhi seat par aa aakar,

poochenge What r u doing..?,

Iske baad jaane se pahle inhe apna DSR (Daily Status Report) bhejo tab ghar jao,

Kuch achcha implement karne se phale 50 baar inse poocho,approvation lo,

Aur agar kabhi thoda rest mil bhi jaye to again same question what r u doing...?,

Are kuch nahi kar raha mere baap ye soch raha hu tujhe yahan se kaise bhagau.

Mein tujhe bata raha hu u never discuss anything with ur manager,

Because every discussion with a manager is an argument,

Aur bhai argument mein inse koi nahi jeet sakta,

because we are busy unke pass to koi kaam hai nahi aur senior persons hai,

to argument mein wo kaise haar man le.

Wo saala pure database delete mar de to koi dikaat nahi,

Lekin tum galti se 1 table delete kar do to aasman toot jayega...!!!

@@@@@@@Kuch nahi ho sakta in Sofware engineers ka bhai@@@@@@@